Monday, April 25, 2011

To a friend I betrayed...


I'm sorry I betrayed your friendship, which was fragile and strange and real.

For years I wanted to be numb all the time.

Then I read your words and wanted to live again.

And I started living again after all.  It was strange and wonderful.

Then I actually met you.  I confused the dreamy beauty of your words with your lively hazel eyes and strong hands.

I'm sorry for letting that confusion and my old madnesses overtake me; they destroyed a friendship that was becoming good and real.

* * *

Can you help me, old friend?  I'm trapped in the green room again.

The trap doors are worse this time.  They are multiplying dizzyingly.

The visions are chaotic and jagged now, no blooming cathedral windows.

I believe these are just new traps in an old, old room.

You know about traps.  Like that fiendish double iron cross one your dad gave you to solve.

Maybe you were right, maybe it takes all those clever moves to get out of such a trap, not just a few deft shortcuts.

Look, J, I am mad and I speak strangely to avoid certain traps I keep finding myself in.  Maybe you'll understand; you have a fierce intelligence that I've come to admire and envy.

J, I'm trying to numb the pain and kill the drama using all the many techniques I know and exploring new ones.  But the madness is more complex and strange now.

I miss your wisdom and keen imagination.

Forgive me, friend.  Your lessons were not lost on me.  I will not seek you out so much anymore.  I need to know that I have your forgiveness and grace.

I will leave this message up until I get a sign.

Believe me, I want something true and real and spirit-based; not confined by these inferior bonds that betray us.


1 comment:

  1. Epilogue: This post was in vain; in truth, this person reviles me and people like me. I fell in love with a vivid chimera of my own making, a projection of a fevered imagination and a shattered heart.